you think you know who i am?

"And I hate to tell you, but I think that once you have a fair idea of where you want to go, your first move will be to apply yourself in school. You'll have to. You're a student-whether the idea appeals to you or not. You're in love with knowledge and I think you'll find, once you get past all the Mr. Vinsons, you're going to start getting closer and closer - that is if you want to, and if you look for it and wait for it  -to the kind of information that will be very, very dear to your heart. Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frigtened and even sickened by human beavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them-if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
-THE CATCHER IN THE RYE  

it hasn't hit me yet.
or maybe it was because i just knew deep down that you were okay.
you had to be. for all of us.
i love you and am so glad you're all right.

it's nights like the last that make me see really how many reasons i have to be happy.
and i have the best reasons in the world.

SAJKDN
..my heart right there.

i was ridiculous last night.
vodka and weed. never a good time.
i have officially learned my lesson.

thanksgiving party today. the fire was on, and although i only see my outside family for holidays, everything felt cozy and real. i liked it and hope everyone else had a meaninful thanksgiving.

i'm thankful for my friends, who keep me sane when my family drives me nuts.

my family, seriously.
my mom and dad for continuously sacrificing just to make sure we're happy. they don't get thanked for that enough.
for matt and katie, who have taught me so much just by watching and the fact that they're home and that our family is together and getting along finally (knocks on wood) cause without them, home doesn't feel like home, and i'm the one who feels a little homesick.

in school yesterday all the homerooms hadda bring in food for baskets for poor people in harlem who don't have enough resources to make a thanksgiving dinner. our school is so tiny that we probably had enough dinner for like 12 families, but i'm thankful for actions as small as that that show us the beauty in the world and eachother that isn't always easy to see. i'm thankful for the fact that we probably made 12 families feel as though they had something to be thankful for this thanksgiving. and i'm thankful for always having the opportunity to experience a day as significant and beautiful as this with people i love.

anyway, i got drunk a little bit and had some good conversations with my dad.

when i was little, i always understood the concept that so many things influence your decisions and opinions without even thinking about it. i came up with the conclusion that we created who we are. i imagined that before we knew anything and when we were nothing, there was a computer where we would chose what we looked like and the characteristics we would have. i've been thinking about that, and i decided i still do think that way.

i believe in predestination, but i believe we created who we are before we were born. i think we're designed to love absolutely everything about us, because it's how we chose to be. so in essence, all of us are perfect, because no one can be better at being you, than YOU. but coming into this world and meeting other people who are different, with different ideals of perfection, parts of us change, and that's what detracts us from being the perfect person we are. we spend our whole lives trying to figure out who it is we are by trying to become who it is that we WANT to be, but thats only after so many influenced ideas are put into our heads, and who we WANT to be isn't at all who we are or even want to be. i think if we just let ourselves be, fuck expectations, fuck trying to stand out or assimilate, fuck over thinking things and not thinking at all, just LIVE. the way we want to and in the moment and we will find ourselves.

that probably doesn't make sense at all, i guess i just needed to rant.

if you wanna know exactly what i think about you, leave a comment or your name.

FRIENDS ONLY. comment to be added.

long time, no update. i haven't had anything really to write about, but recently, i've had a new realization. new thoughts, different ways of thinking, it makes things feel not so bad and moves the day along just a little faster.

things have been pulling together lately in such a weird, curiously coincidental way. it sort of makes me believe that the whole "ask and you shall recieve" adage is true. i think optimism is constantly lurking around every corner and knocking on your door, but most people are too dense to realize it, or even want to.
i've always wanted to meet people who were more like me, believed in the same things as me, thought the same way as me, people i could learn from, and people who i could just sit with and talk, share thoughts on things that really matter. these past few weeks, i've met more people like that then ever. it just seems like things are finally falling into place for me.
also, after almost losing 2 of my best friends and having a huge family fight, they sort have put things in a new perspective for me. for some reason, i feel like those things were meant to happen. not only for the people it happened to, but for me too. because from them, i've learned so much.
i don't want to be part of the everyday cycle people are sucked into. i don't want to be just life's spectator, i want to be in it.
i don't know what brought about this change. i just thought to myself, i don't want to be depressed anymore, i admit to not being able to do this on my own, and i have so much i want to do that i can't bring myself to do and that needs to change.i think there is a way to live your life optimally, but you have to keep your eyes open for that chance to be happy that's always there urging you on. also, instead of getting upset over the stupid things that go on, i secretly laugh at the ridiculousness of the played out situation. that way, i can avoid any tension that would come out of my anger.

i can honestly say that right now, i'm a genuinely happy person. =)

"Took a long time to get where i am now
and i'm not gonna sit around wondering how, NO"

1. choose 15 people from your friends list at random.
2. write something about/to each of them.
3. don't tell anyone who the statements are about.


( mmkay lets see if you guys can guess )

umm. so yeah. after almost 6 months, i finally got caught.

autumn is so beautiful.
i dont understand why we all get so depressed every year at this time.
please, lets all just cheer up.

i feel like ed from ed tv.

where he lives his life thinking its normal, then he realizes that everything is a set up. and that everything and everyone around him are just props and actors. and everyone watches to see what he'll do next, because his life is a tv show that he can't get away from.

sometimes i think that everyone is just testing me to see how much i can take before i go insane. it certainly feels that way.

i.can't.believe.this.is.happening.

i'm so sick of your empty promises and apologies.
how do you help someone when they don't want to help themselves?
someone who doesn't want to get better?
when they're hurting themselves and everyone who cares about them?
this sucks. i'll always love you though.

"at least this year we didn't end up in the middle of the street trashed and emo like last year"-cl hahah worddd.

HAPPY BIRFDAY NIKKI!
I LOVE YOUUUUUU <3

i'm coming to visit maria regina tomorrow!

these past couple of days have sucked, but nothing happened.
i've been thinking a lot, which is never really good.
everything i've been holding in has finally came to the point where i can't deal anymore and i need to let it all out. but what do you do when you have so much to say, but no one to say it to?
i know what comes next; dissappointment, anger, then apathy. &the cycle continues.

so i think a thank you is pertinent.
thanks to all of my friends that i know love and care about me. i don't say it often enough. thanks for all the times you've helped me cope through everything that was going on, even if you didn't know what it was. at those times when i felt like the world was caving in on me, i could always count on seeing you and have a smile brought to my face. and for that one moment, all of the pain and worries escaped me, and it made the world of a difference. i can't thank you enough. thanks for the times you've dealt with me even through the worst of moods, the times when you placed more faith in me then i ever did myself. i know that you are always here for me and will continue to do all of these things. and for that, i'm extremely lucky. i hope you know that you mean everything to me, and i would do anything for you. you know me better than i know myself.

but, another thank you is in order.
thanks to all the people whom i have met that helped shape my life more than anyone else has. from your selfish acts, i use your example to form who i am by doing the opposite. to all the people who have ever been an asshole to me and have broken my heart, i can't thank you enough. it's because of you i am who i am today. unfortunately, you outnumber the good people by a lot, but it's because of the lessons that you portray that make the good rise above.

( and because i'm bored and not sleepy.. )

i fell in love with a puppy at the pet shop yesterday.

i want to join the quantum physics part of the science club, if there is one.

<3

i'm going to visit katie at college this weekend.
i've missed her so much, you have no idea.

i took the PSATs today. they were pretty easy, just not enough time to finish all the questions. but i think i did pretty well.

i love that my mom still has to trick me into going to the doctor for a shot. haha i'm such a loser.

i hate public speaking.

agatha stole my tiara and tried to be princess. psh. that's my job.

i saw michelle on tuesday!! god, i miss that bitch. jeff and landi too, we drove around in jeff's new car. and i honked the horn 40 million times.

bronxville friday, purchase saturday, and my goal is to hang out with the lovely mrhs ladies sunday.

*quote of the day*
"so we battled. she thought i was cocky, i thought she had a cock.. things worked out"
hahahah courtney. i <3 you!

i find it weird that i look at the clock every day at 9:11, even before 9/11 happened.